Something extraordinarily happened today.
I have finally stopped planning.
I just paused and began letting go.
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Anyhow, last week I shared that we came to visit my oldest son and are staying in our family home in Utah. Since we left, Israel shut their borders and mandated state-run hotel quarantine for local arrivals. Then Hong Kong announced a 21-day quarantine. So the two options of where to go next left me scrambling for ideas. With 4 kids enrolled in school and engaged in their lives, this posed a teeny (and blessed) problem! I ran around myself in circles stressed and trying to come up with a perfect plan.
In case you are also a perfectionist, you’ll know that there’s never a perfect anything.
My constant need for control gets in the way of actual fulfillment and satisfaction. As a (recovering!) perfectionist nothing is ever quite good enough. Staying in control and planning meticulously can be a healthy way of ensuring the best possible outcome (we will get to that later), but not at the expense of being, forgive this expression-a controlling bitch.
Everything in our world is changing faster than we can keep up with and I am learning not to waste my energy on making plans that will change and trying to anticipate the future. It’s physically, mentally, and emotionally difficult to think of options for a plan, prepare and set that plan into motion only for that plan to get scratched and back to step 1 we go. By the time you read this, Israel and Hong Kong may have even opened their borders already!
It began with changing my state: Letting go.
As I sit here, perched above slopes in Park City, watching the sunset, I am overcome with a deep peace. I feeling so freaking blessed that we are in a beautiful place right this very moment. I’ve realized that we sometimes just create problems for ourselves (or at least I do!) and somehow the grass is always greener (but never is). I was worried about where we would go next, how we would get there, would we need to quarantine, will I be safe? Plenty of worries crossed my mind.
I am sharing this with you today because I suspect we all have teeny parts of ourselves that feel like something is missing. Is it ever enough? Are we enough? The planning, I’ve learned, is about seeking more. Avoiding the present. Avoiding feelings of vulnerability. Filling the gap. But of course… there is no gap.
Of course, we are enough. We always have been.
Wherever you are is where you’re supposed to be. Maybe if we stop seeking we can start living. Right here, in this moment.
All of my worries were already answered. I just needed to stay right where I was and be mindful and present.
One of my superpowers is my ability to plan and organize. I freaking love it. My plans help keep my family of 6 working efficiently across multiple countries with a slew of logistics. So, none of these lofty letting go ideas negates the value of organized planning. In healthy doses, organization is invaluable and the absolute key to being flexible. Sometimes, however, healthy and positive traits, when extended to extremes, can be toxic. Becoming ever-present, and acutely mindful, will help keep us all in check.
I’ve been re-reading Brené Brown books and if you ever feel any part of this she’s a great resource especially for letting go.
Please share your vulnerabilities and insights of your journey along with the picture-perfect shares on social media. It’s important.
Tonight we are watching movies and eating Liam’s caramel popcorn. Right where we should be. And that’s enough!
